Every so often I wonder if there are real reasons not to die. Make a will, sign over my superannuation & just opt out, seems an attractive proposition sometimes. I guess I'm just a coward at heart.

It's been a while...

But I'm going to try to get back into writing, both here & for novel work.

Things have changed some for me. I'm married now & adjusting to a new life with my lovely American wife. Together we're finding out how to share lives that, up till now, have been lived keeping others at arms length.

Work is good, Melbourne is in the grip of Winter, which doesn't mean much given the variability of the weather here, & life so far looks good. A few hiccups along the way like trying to get an application for a spouse visa completed in a day or so after DIMMI (Immigration Dept) suddenly cancelled an extension of my wife's visitor's visa because we stupidly told them we were planning to put in for a spouse visa.

But we got it done - we'd been getting documents & stat decs ready for some time so it was more a matter of getting everything in order.

My time has been taken up also with Moderating on a forum where dramas seem a weekly event. Not sure I'd describe it as fun, but it's definitely a learning experience.

My wife is far more active on forums & blogs than I am. More dedicated to it too :)

Test

This is a test - silly blogger

The time has come...

The hall wasn't all that busy; over near the doors leading from Customs there were maybe 50 people waiting for arrivals as I sat waiting for her plane to land. Coffee in hand, (surprisingly good coffee for an airport) I watched those around, most patient, some anxious & others looking blankly at the 4 doors that people were using to re-enter the world from the security section.

I missed the moment of the plane landing; one moment the column was blank, next the list shuffled up the board & flight 839 had 'landed' beside it.

I knew Customs would take a while so I didn't move forward yet, but I could pick those waiting for fellow passengers on her flight by the way they instantly went to the rail near the doors, as if somehow they could bring their loved ones or guest through the doors earlier. Given it was mostly asians exiting from the Singapore flight that had landed 45 mins before, I didn't hold out much hope their expectations would have a result

New beginnings

Sometimes it is the little things that have the most effect on your life & sometimes it is things that have no apparent bearing on the eventual result that are most meaningful. By the second part, I mean even looking back it can be difficult to see how one act or decision can lead forward to what has eventually come about.

In my mid 40's I went through what i suppose could be called a crisis but it really wasn't very dramatic; I simply came to recognise that who I was didn't seem to have led me to a place where I had or would find my soul partner. I'd wanted all my life to share my life with someone but it never seemed to work out. So I came to terms with dying alone, with being lonely on a deep level, of not ever being able to look forward to sharing my life & thoughts with that special someone we dream of in our teens.

Then, as is my wont, I reached out to help someone on the net. I've always been a helper - it has cost me friends more than once because quite a number of folk see the offering of advice or assistance as being some kind of put-down & even explaining my PoV about it doesn't help.

I see it as this: if I have some info or knowledge on something, as a friend or even acquaintance it is wrong of me to let someone step blindly into something or to make an error because they don't know my bit of info. They tend not to see it that way & assume I think they aren't competent or able to do what they are about to try.

But it is built into me to help. Years back I did a series of scenarios in a book about finding your purpose in life. Mine came out very clearly as helping others. I did a course called 'I could be anything I want, if only I knew what it is' & one question was, 'If you were guaranteed to be successful at it, what job would you want?' I double-checked it was MY definition of success & not some external one & after the others said things like 'chef,' 'astronaut,' 'artist' etc, the instructor asked me. Without hesitation I said 'world leader' & there was a sort of shuffling noise as people edged their chairs away from me. *grins*

But my reasoning was simple - if I was a successful world leader, everybody would have a better life & a chance at achieving their goals/purposes, because that's what I would consider a success in that job.

So I tried to help someone. Long story cut short is they turned out to be a nasty fake, a manipulator of others & a liar. But, & it is an important but, via that person I met another troubled soul, one who was losing her battle to see a decent future & wieghed down by the past. I reached out to her as well & we talked.

Very quickly I saw a special person, a bright soul mired deep in trouble; trouble that mostly she couldn't see & didn't have causes for. There was immediate attraction but due to age differences I refused to consider anything coming of it - until she 'slapped' me with a poem & made me realise how stupid I was to pass up on something that could be so good.

Time passed & things got rough. I had no idea why but somehow no matter what I did our relationship teetered for months on a fine edge. I felt like if I said or did the slightest thing wrong, she would vanish, smoke her way out of my life & possibly do herself harm. Nothing I said seemed to alleviate things much - we had several breaches & repairs but the repairs didn't seem to stick.

I had enough experience I should have worked it out sooner than I did. When two people honestly try to sort out a problem & keep failing, SOMEONE IS KEEPING IT GOING! That turned out to be the case with us.

The liar, the person we both thought of as close to us, was manipulating frantically, lying her arse off to drive wedges between my love & me & even doing the same with another very close friend who had been through a lot of the earlier stuff with us & helped us enormously. It was a turbulent time for the 3 of us.

Then, finally, we shared some info - things that had been said or sent individually but not passed between the 3 of us & we saw the enemy for what it was. There followed an emotional period as we all came to terms with how much we'd been lied to & manipulated & then we began to heal.

Now, within just a few days, the woman I fell in love with over a year ago is coming to Australia to be with me. She leaves behind a life that was driving her to her death & gathering her courage to step out for a new beginning. From here on her life will be very different to what she has been through & so will mine. How it will turn out is uncertain, but then when did anyone ever promise us certainties in life?

I do know that no matter how things go between us, she will have a better life & the best start I can give her. That is a promise I have made, not to her, but to myself.

So, from deciding to help a person in trouble, I now have a new future. I get tight inside when I think how easily I could have missed out on this chance, how close I came to looking at our ages & refusing to accept there could be something serious between us. I think I have saved her life a couple of times, mostly just by being there for her, but she has given me a whole new future.

Another Quiz

Mark took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offe..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Change of Life

Well, soon my life is going to change. Concrete evidence (or I should say, cardboard evidence) of it arrived today. A box of personal possessions from the woman I met online a bit over a year back & with whom i have chatted, messaged, web-cammed & spoken almost every day since is now safely ensconced in my spare room awaiting her arrival in a bit under 14 days.

I've been trying to remember how long ago it was I lived with a woman... or anyone at all, and it is a long time. I look around my rooms & realise I have become a male stereotype. Corners are filled with stuff, even I can see dust everywhere & I have things in plain view that haven't been touched since they were put there 3 years back when I moved into this place.

Not because of her, but for my own sense of honour, I need to clean the place up for her arrival. I need to look at my daily habits & work out which ones are those acceptable in decent society & which I better find a way to cease & desist.

I range from a fear of change to sheer delight she is coming into my life & really, the fear is just old habit - mostly I am pleased I now have a reason to become someone new; a better person who can start respecting myself again. I only hope she will be a little patient with me as I find my new/old self & start to rebuild habits let slip when i thought I had only lonely days of agin ahead of me.

How the world can change on the basis of offering to help someone with their troubles. *grins*

It hasn't been a year of smooth blissfulness; there has been travail enough that we have been tested & tried & somehow, in spite of my normal GTF outa here reactions, we have come through & now are as strong as, or even stronger than, ever.

Welcome jaime, into my life & my heart. I hope you like Australia & the sudden emergence out into a big city is not a total culture shock.

See you soon lover.